thinkinglazy

Aspiring author and random thinker

On Writing: Content Editing Trial

Today I decided to attempt the editing of the content and style of my current project currently entitled ‘Deliverance Edge’. I worked on the first 1,200 words and attempted to make it a little more fantasy like. For whoever is interested, this post included both versions.

NB: I am not a professional writer, in fact I just decided to write as a hobby about a year ago and still have light years of practicing to produce something publishing-worthy.

First draft:

Like everything else in the Imperial city, the throne room was built from black materials which had engulfed the city once the Emperor had been crowned. Nevertheless, it was brightly lit, in a manner fitting all purposes requiring careful details.

Wearing his usual red trimmed black royal gown, the Emperor addressed his wife and most trusted adviser. “It has been three years since the Sky Wing introduced itself to the Empire. They came bearing promises of peace and affection, an offering contradicting our expectations. Is it possible that all these prophecies about their ruthlessness were wrong?”

Cassandra, the seer and beloved wife of the Demigod Emperor Servak, stood beside her erratic husband. “Do you still mistrust their intentions?”

“I always have and always will. Warnings like these do not spur out of nothing, but are carefully studied and conveyed in a fitting way.”

“Perhaps.” Cassandra directed her eyes shamefully at the floor. “Perhaps it was a mistake for us to wed.”

Servak gently raised her chin and held both her hands firmly. “Do not say such things. Both of us knew back then that allowing our feelings to take over meant the loss of your gift, a loss that I do not regret.”

“But I could have seen the future for you and confirm or deny your suspicions.”

“Cassandra.” He moved away. “Ancient prophecies, history and information gathered by the Utyirth expedition are more than enough reasons for us to take action against them, but this is not the decision I have been reluctant about. What I seek is a way to avoid unnecessary death and shedding of blood. A way to ensure that the Empire, and the peace it brings, would continue after this threat has been eliminated. After all, it has been confirmed that dragons consider us nothing more than a stock of expensive cattle.”

“If you know what needs to be done, then just do it.”

“Matters of this nature require a little delicacy. A good plan must be made before taking action against the Sky Wing.” The Emperor slid his fingers across the base of his black shining throne. “Love, would you please tell me about the first people to spring into sentientism? The Golden Race known as the Elders?”

“Many believe that the story of the Elders is that of an endless cycle. It is said that the Elders were the first race to ever reach a level of maturity which we now refer to as sentientism, the phenomena of transcending instinct. Back then, there was no concept war or strife. They lived in a peaceful world, one even void of predators to their kind. The life they had been granted was ideal for physical and mental advancement. As a result, they developed to be very strong and intelligent, to the degree that they understood their world well enough to spring its elements from mere thoughts and sounds that would reshape the basic building blocks of surrounding minute particles– what we refer to as runes – and discover all of its secrets. But the Elders never satiated their curiosities, and they sailed across the sea to populate other continents, some say they even traveled to different worlds and planes. The Elders flourished and their civilization never ceased to grow in size and magnificence. When all lands were discovered and all of their secrets unlocked, the Elders sought to study creation itself. In their lengthy pursuit, they managed to created great beasts to aid them. Three kinds were born by their hands, the Leviathans of the sea, the Behemoths of the land and the Ziz of the sky. The Leviathans were benevolent creatures to match the element they were bound to, water. The Behemoths were malevolent in nature, but the Elders sought to create them regardless, to match the element of fire. Finally, the Ziz was but one lone creature to roam the skies and fill its blue in solitude. In their pride, the Elders sought to give their creation freedom to roam whatever parts of the worlds they were tailored to, but for the Behemoths it was not enough. Their cruel land children turned on them. Because of their civility and respect, the Elders never fought back. They allowed the Behemoths to kill them all in hopes that it would be punishment enough for their hubris. You see, beloved husband, the Golden Race was undone by their children, a situation we find strangely familiar.”

“The dragons shaped our races, but are far more prone to violence and trickery than the noble Elders.”

“It is a grim reality,” spoke Cassandra. She walked towards her husband and stroked his head to comfort him, a gesture much appreciated by the Emperor.

Servak looked up at his beautiful wife’s face and pondered. “The people have elected me to be their supreme ruler, their Emperor, and I will not betray their trust as the first of my title. They expect me to care for them in whatever way I can and make sure that a worthy heir will succeed me after my inevitable end.”

“Do not speak if such things,” interrupted Cassandra.

“All that lives dies. It is a reality which must be confronted by all, especially the ones in positions such as myself. If I fail to ensure a future to my people, then my soul would never find peace, even in death. I must make sure that one of our two children, the heirs to the throne and successors to my title, rises to the challenge of leading these people to a deserving fate.”

“You have taught them well in all matters familiar to you. What else is there for you to do so that such a destiny would be made a reality some day?”

“I must devise a clever plan to rid at least one of them from the clutches of those deceptive dragons of the Sky Wing. I truly hope that all our information is wrong. I truly hope that the Sky Wing is indeed benevolent in nature and truly seek to help us, but I cannot allow such naive thoughts to stop me from ensuring that my people, the people of Nosgard with all their races and background, would continue to have a future where they are free from any form of slavery, including that of the mind.”

“A future where the true essence of freedom prevails regardless of caste or race,” agreed Cassandra. Her eyes filled with a gleam of hope that perhaps, just maybe by some divine intervention, they would be saved from the enemy who so cleverly infiltrated the minds of many and convinced them that they were friends.

The Emperor had a brief idea of a plan, but he did not refine it just yet. Servak had to ensure that the citizens of the Empire would be left a worthy heir to lead them through the dark times yet to come. He had to ensure, regardless of cost, that at least one of his two sons would rise to the challenge and continue his legacy once he was gone – a fate he knew was very close. A plan was about to be made and set in motion, but he was not the only one plotting for the future of the Empire.

First Editing Attempt:

The Demigod Emperor Servak stood between the black, but properly lit, walls of his throne room, wearing his usual red trimmed black royal gown, and addressed his wife and most trusted adviser. “It has been three years since the Sky Wing descended to Nosgard with their unexpected promises of peace and affection. Is it possible that the prophets of old were mistaken?”

Cassandra, his seer and beloved wife, stood beside her erratic husband and said, “Do you still doubt their intentions?”

“I always have and always will, for warnings like those do not spur absent cause, but are often the result of cunning work.”

“Perhaps,” said Cassandra, directing her eyes shamefully at the floor, “perhaps it was a mistake for us to wed.”

Servak gently raised her chin and held both her hands firmly. “Do not say such things, dear wife. Both of us knew that allowing our feelings to take over meant the loss of your gift, a loss that I do not regret.”

“But I could have seen the future for you and -”

“Cassandra,” interrupted Servak. He moved away and added, “Ancient prophecies, history and knowledge gathered by the Utyirth expedition are more than enough reasons for us to take action against them, but this is not the decision I have been reluctant about. What I seek is a way to avoid unnecessary death and shedding of blood. A way to ensure that the Empire, and the peace it brings, would persist after this threat has been properly confronted. We know that dragons consider us nothing more than a stock of expensive cattle.”

“If you know what needs to be done, then why do you still harbor doubt?”

“Matters of this nature require delicacy. A good plan must be made before action is taken against the Sky Wing.” The Emperor slid his fingers across the base of his black shining throne, caressing it lustily like a mistress of ill repute. “Love, would you please tell me about the first people to spring into sentientism, the Golden Race known as the Elders?”

Cassandra mimicked her husband’s touch to the throne and started, with a fitting air of mysticism, “Many believe that the story of the Elders is that of an endless cycle. It is said that the Elders were the first race to ever reach a level of maturity which we now refer to as sentientism, the phenomena of transcending instinct. Back then, there was no concept war or strife. They lived in a peaceful world, one void of any danger to their kind. The life they had been granted was ideal for the strengthening of both body and mind. Thus they developed to be very strong and intelligent, to the extent that they understood their world well enough to spring its elements from mere thoughts and sounds that would reshape the air to whatever they wished to conjure– in our speech we call these spells runes – and discover all its secrets. But the Elders never satiated their curiosities, and they sailed across the sea to lands far and near. The Elders flourished and their civilization never ceased to grow in size and magnificence. When all lands were discovered and all of their secrets unlocked, the Elders sought to study creation itself. In their lengthy pursuit they managed to created great beasts to aid them. Three kinds were born by their hands, the Leviathans of the sea, the Behemoths of the land and the Ziz of the sky. The Leviathans were benevolent creatures to match the element they were bound to, water. The Behemoths were malevolent in nature, but the Elders sought to create them regardless, to match the element of fire. The last of their creations, the Ziz, was but one lone creature to roam the skies and fill its blue in solitude. In their pride, the Elders sought to give their creation freedom to roam whatever parts of the worlds they wished, but for the Behemoths it was not enough. Their cruel land children turned on the Elders. Because of their civility and respect, the Elders never fought back. They allowed the Behemoths to kill them all in hopes that it would be punishment enough for their hubris. You see, beloved husband, the Golden Race was undone by their children.”

“The dragons shaped our races, but are far more eager for violence and trickery than the noble Elders.”

“It is a grim reality,” said Cassandra. She walked towards her husband and stroked his head to comfort him, a gesture much appreciated by the Emperor.

Servak looked up at his beautiful wife’s face and pondered, “The people have elected me to be their supreme ruler, their Emperor, and I will not betray their trust as the first of my title. They expect me to care for them in whatever way I can and provide them with a worthy heir.”

“Do not speak of such things!” interrupted Cassandra – a lifetime of prophecy and mysticism made hear fearful of such thoughts.

“All that lives dies. It is a reality which must be confronted by all, especially the ones in positions such as myself. If I fail to ensure a future for my people, then my soul would never find peace, even in death. I must assure that one of our two children, the heirs to the throne and successors to my title, rises to the challenge of leading these people to a deserving fate.”

“You have taught them well in all matters familiar to you. What else is there for you to do so that such a destiny would be made a reality some day?”

“I must devise a clever plan to rid at least one of them from the clutches of those deceptive dragons of the Sky Wing. I truly hope that all our information is wrong. I truly hope that the Sky Wing is indeed benevolent in nature and truly seeks to help us, but I cannot allow such naive thoughts to stop me from ensuring that my people, the people of Nosgard with all their races and ways, would continue to have a future where they are free from any form of slavery, especially that of the mind.”

“A future where the true essence of freedom prevails regardless of caste or race,” agreed Cassandra. Her eyes filled with a gleam of hope that perhaps, just maybe by some divine intervention, they would be saved from the enemy who so cleverly infiltrated the minds of many and clouded their minds.

The Emperor had but a brief sprout of a plan which was yet to grow. Servak had to ensure that the citizens of the Empire would be left a worthy heir to lead them through the approaching dark times. He had to ensure, regardless of cost, that at least one of his two sons would rise to the challenge and continue his legacy – a fate he knew was very close. A plan was about to be made and set in motion, but he was not the only one plotting for the future of the Empire.

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One response to “On Writing: Content Editing Trial

  1. Pingback: Where Are The Cassandras In Your Organisation? | prosperosworld.com

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